5 Examples of What You Should NOT be Wearing to the Club

Perfect example of too many buttons... One can only assume the palazzo pants are just out of frame.

Perfect example of too many buttons... One can only assume the palazzo pants are just out of frame.

In Season 3 Episode 7, “Eating Reese’s Pieces in the Club”, Frank and I set some ground rules for you over-zealous club goers out there.  While giving you little hoodlums some boundaries, we briefly touched on club appropriate attire.  I’m a firm believer in the right of creative expression, so we advised you alls to “not be an outlier” when it comes to your fashion choices – admittedly vague advice.  So to add some clarity, I’ve put together a list of various forms of outlier manifestation I have witnessed throughout the years. 

No these sightings were not the fever dreams of a mad black woman… though I wish.

  1. Pregnant Newlyweds -  Several years ago I was at some generic club downtown when I glanced up and saw the most realistic wedding cake topper standing at the top of the stairs.  To compound my disbelief, the blushing bride appeared to be all of 11 months pregnant.  Now I'm not against wedding love in the club.  And I guess I don't really have a stance on being extra pregnant in the club.  The most offensive part of this whole scene was that THEY DIDN'T SPRING FOR VIP.  Watching them walk around trying to find a seat was the most tragic sight of my night.
  2. Ball is Life Personified - In my time in these streets I've witness grown-ass men sporting full NBA hood uniforms (that would be jersey, shorts AND a fitted cap).  The only time this would be allowable is if you were a player on that respective team and you had to make a club appearance immediately after a game because your mother was being held hostage by goons (who take hostages to secure hosts at their very respectable night club establishment??) .  Anything less, take your ass home and change.
  3. Two Many Buttons and Palazzo Pant Suit -  This is a frequent offender.  If your go-to outfit is a high top fade era Steve Harvey suit, then chances are your somebody's old ass uncle and you need to head on down to the casino or to a Debarge concert.
  4. Lingerie on a Non-Pajama Jam Night -  Ladies, ladies... ladies.  There is a difference between a slip dress and an actual slip.  The latter is only found in your memaw's top dresser drawer and should not make any appearances other being safely tucked away under a house coat.  And if you step into any other arena wearing some incarnation of a bustier, teddy, bodysuit or corset with NOTHING else on... and it's not Halloween OR a pajama jam?  Well you may have daddy issues and I want better for you.
  5. Turtleneck Squad  -  The only thing more disconcerting than a man in a turtleneck sweater is several men in turtleneck sweaters.  I know Idris Elba can make most things look good, but chances are you and your boys are not Idris Elba.  So please carefully peel off those turtlenecks, turn to your bother-in-turtlenecks, and commit to doing better.

Have you ever born-witness to a ridiculous club fit?  Let us know in the comments below!

3 Reasons Your Post- Friend Zone Relationship is also Doomed

Congratulations.  You listened to Speakerbox Seattle Podcast Season 3, Episode 5 “No Sex Zone” and were equipped with ALL of the tools you needed to successfully navigate yo’ ass up out the friend zone.  What Frank and I failed to mention is that the other side of the game may not be the relationship utopia you had in mind.  But why Smurf?

The friend zone-er still isn’t that into you.

You employed all the tactics: aloofness, brand new confident swag, and the manipulative tactics of a seasoned pimp.  What possibly could go wrong?  Well, let’s be real… if you had to do ALL of that to bag your prize, chances are this person (a) still isn’t that into you and is merely settling, or (b) has become interested in a misrepresentation of you.  Basically, you’re their knock-off Stefan Urkel.  If either scenario doesn’t crush your frail, frail ego… then great!  Have fun living fully immersed in your delusions.  Just know that Frank and I are deeply disappointed in you.

You probably (definitely) have issues.

The fact remains, if you’re a friend zone-ee there is most likely a confidence issue at play.  If confidence wasn’t as issue, you would’ve shot your shot and/or you wouldn’t have settled for being relegated to the friend zone.  Because languishing in the friend zone is a choice my, errrrr… friend.

What I would suggest is that before pursuing any relationship of any kind, is that you do a little work on yourself.  Self-reflection is a beautiful thing that everyone should incorporate from time-to-time. 

They probably (definitely) have Issues.

Here is the fundamental problem when attempting to advise people on pursuing a friend zone-er.  How do you tell someone that the person they have pined over for goodness knows how long, probably isn’t shit?  Some may say this is a pretty bold assumption, but I am willing to bet a fistful of Tubmans that I’m right.

Truth is… the person that put you in the friend zone knows EXACTLY WHAT THEY’RE DOING.  Think about that.  You’re presumably miserable (or else you wouldn’t be reading this) and they’re perfectly OK with that.  I’m not saying that they need to get with you.  I’m saying that they need to either get with the program (not likely) or cut you off.

But they won’t, because friend zone-ers are terrible, selfish, secretly insecure mofos who enjoy collecting admirers for their weird chamber of lost hopes and dreams.  Do I sound bitter?  I’m not bitter… Anywho, I wouldn’t advise anyone to hustle for a relationship with a person who blatantly doesn’t care about their feelings.  It’s bad business.

So why did we go through all the trouble of giving you the awesome guide to conquering the friend zone if it simply won’t work out?  Well, we here at Speakerbox Seattle believe in free will AND there is the statistically insignificant chance that the relationship that blossoms from the mutilated remnants of the friend zone may actually work.  So feel free to hang your hat on that.

Speakerbox in Real Life: #TheBaeEpidemic

We here at Speakerbox are about formulating real life solutions to real life problems.  In Episode 1, “The Bae Epidemic”, we sent out the official memo to remove ‘bae” from your lexicon.  You can listen to our air-tight logic for this decision below, but we wanted to further enrich your lives by providing a quick & dirty list of alternative terms of endearment.  Since “bae” is a pseudo relationship title applied to people you have absolutely no intention of ever being with, this list should be used in situations where the word “date” is replaced with things like “hang out”, “kick it”, “meet up”, or “come through”… This is very important information people.

#1:  The Classics
For those that like to keep it simple, “baby”, “babe” and “boo” should suffice.  As long as you don’t tack on a word that implies possession or ownership of the situation (e.g “my boo”, “my baby”), you should be good.

#2:  The Confidence Boost
Give that convenient, errr I mean special person in your life a little confidence boost by using a compliment as a term of endearment.   “Handsome”, “sexy”, “beautiful”... whatever.  It gets the job done without inferring the existence of a relationship!.  Thank me later.

#3:  Overkill
Simple.  Take two unrelated cutsey words & slap them together.  Boom!  You have yourself a 100% original nickname that means absolutely nothing.  “Cuddleboots”, “sugarsweets”, “fluffypuffs”; I can pump these things out all day. 

#4:  Words
Yes, words.  Any word.  Pick one.  Now, change your tone of voice to that insufferable pitch that you reserve for ya boo.  See?  It sounds like something special, but it’s not.  Yay!

#5:  Their Got-Damned Government Name
Nothing reminds a person that you aren’t in a relationship more than exclusively referring them as their got-damned government name.  Avoid that awkward conversation after you introduced him/her as your “friend” to the homies.  Nobody has time for the “what are we?” talk.  Nobody.

Wellllp, that should get you going as you mourn the loss of your beloved “bae”.  Let us know if you have anything to add to our list in the comment section!

Speakerbox in Real Life: #TurnDownTime

Smurf ain’t no hypocrite.  So when I tell you that not even a full week after airing “The First is the Last” (a.k.a #TurnDownTime), I found myself above the socially accepted levels “turntness”.  I’ll spare you the humbling details, but if you scour the Capitol Hill police reports you may or may not find an account of my exploits.  *silver lining* maybe I’ll find fame in Police Reports Illustrated!          

Never one to miss out an opportunity to take a look at the woman in the mirror, I sat down with two Advils & a bit of the hair of the dog to reflect on the factors that contributed to my undoing.  As a public service to all of you, I present the Top 5.  Learn from my mistakes people…

#1  -  Mood
Before I even left the house, my mood was trash.  The whole squad was stepping out & for whatever reason we decided it would be best to take one car.  How you fit 13 people into one whip, I’ll never know.  All I know is that 75% of the people involved in the discussion were intoxicated & proceeded to offer up increasingly inconceivable methods to keep the dream alive (winner = midnight hot air balloon ride).  Irritated & all too eager to step foot on a dance floor, I got testy & threatened to take a cab.  Long story short, my shitty mood set the tone for the rest of the night.

#2 – Drank in my Cup
Remy XO.  ‘Nuff said.

#3 – Goon Squad
If you know me, you know I NEVER roll deep.  It’s usually a friend or three, but rarely do I step out in groups larger than four.  This particular night, I was a part of a much larger group and was feeling particularly rowdy (most likely due to a combination of #1 and #2).  Give ya girl a couple of shots & she turns into Thug Misses.  Smh…

#4 – Delusions of Grandeur
Full disclosure.  It was a great hair night & I was feeling myself.  I’m sure I looked ridiculous whipping my hair around every 30 seconds, pretending like someone said something to me.  Nevertheless, attitude was on TEN.  Don’t judge.

#5 – Disposable Income
I just got paid.  It was Friday night…  Need I say more?

Moral of the story, set personal expectations for the night prior to drinking & hold yourself accountable.  If I had checked my mood before heading out, I may have avoided the debauchery that ensued.  Either way, my nights usually end up with me cutting the line at the hot dog stand & daring someone to say something.  So baby steps I guess...

This was just my list.  If I missed anything, leave a comment below!

Snitches Get Stitches: Naya Rivera, Safaree Samuels & Brittney Griner Respond

www.j-14.com

www.j-14.com

And you thought your ex dragging you across his 327 twitter followers was bad for your brand…

Apparently the “kiss-and-tell” is back in vogue for the 20-teens.  In response to Big Sean’s hilarious 2014 liberation anthem “IDFWU”, Naya Rivera took to twitter to drop subliminals on the payback she has simmering at a cool 250 degrees.  The main course will be a “juicy” memoir (we blame you) about “Glee, guys, growing up & much more” – a.k.a 100ish pages dropping hints about ya boy’s “preferences”.  

Meanwhile, fully clothed in an antique bathtub, Safaree is still trying to make you care about his split from Nicki Minaj.  Apparently he’s released a reply to Nicki’s tell-all track “Bed of Lies”, titled “Love the Most”.  Since we at Speakerbox spent our remaining f*cks on what the move is for lunch (a full steak stuffed in between two tortillas), neither one of us have listened to the track.  So I don’t know, YouTube that sh*t if you’re interested.

Finally, your girlfriend’s favorite hooper, WNBA star Brittney Griner, talked to ESPN about her curious split from wife of 28-days, Glory Johnson. As expected, no new details were provided on the origins of that baby.  The point of the interview has been forwarded to Nancy Drew for further investigation.

Here’s a thought, if you don’t over-hype your dysfunctional relationship, you won’t have to book studio time and borrow your rapper friend’s autotune to explain why that mess ended. Facts.

Verdict:  F*ck Sh*t CERTIFIED (F.S.C.)