In Season 3 Episode 7, “Eating Reese’s Pieces in the Club”, Frank and I set some ground rules for you over-zealous club goers out there. While giving you little hoodlums some boundaries, we briefly touched on club appropriate attire. I’m a firm believer in the right of creative expression, so we advised you alls to “not be an outlier” when it comes to your fashion choices – admittedly vague advice. So to add some clarity, I’ve put together a list of various forms of outlier manifestation I have witnessed throughout the years.
No these sightings were not the fever dreams of a mad black woman… though I wish.
- Pregnant Newlyweds - Several years ago I was at some generic club downtown when I glanced up and saw the most realistic wedding cake topper standing at the top of the stairs. To compound my disbelief, the blushing bride appeared to be all of 11 months pregnant. Now I'm not against wedding love in the club. And I guess I don't really have a stance on being extra pregnant in the club. The most offensive part of this whole scene was that THEY DIDN'T SPRING FOR VIP. Watching them walk around trying to find a seat was the most tragic sight of my night.
- Ball is Life Personified - In my time in these streets I've witness grown-ass men sporting full NBA hood uniforms (that would be jersey, shorts AND a fitted cap). The only time this would be allowable is if you were a player on that respective team and you had to make a club appearance immediately after a game because your mother was being held hostage by goons (who take hostages to secure hosts at their very respectable night club establishment??) . Anything less, take your ass home and change.
- Two Many Buttons and Palazzo Pant Suit - This is a frequent offender. If your go-to outfit is a high top fade era Steve Harvey suit, then chances are your somebody's old ass uncle and you need to head on down to the casino or to a Debarge concert.
- Lingerie on a Non-Pajama Jam Night - Ladies, ladies... ladies. There is a difference between a slip dress and an actual slip. The latter is only found in your memaw's top dresser drawer and should not make any appearances other being safely tucked away under a house coat. And if you step into any other arena wearing some incarnation of a bustier, teddy, bodysuit or corset with NOTHING else on... and it's not Halloween OR a pajama jam? Well you may have daddy issues and I want better for you.
- Turtleneck Squad - The only thing more disconcerting than a man in a turtleneck sweater is several men in turtleneck sweaters. I know Idris Elba can make most things look good, but chances are you and your boys are not Idris Elba. So please carefully peel off those turtlenecks, turn to your bother-in-turtlenecks, and commit to doing better.
Have you ever born-witness to a ridiculous club fit? Let us know in the comments below!